Death

 I’m sorry to let you down, papa, mama. 

I just want to know that it’s the hardest decision that I’ve ever made, to leave you. But living on has become increasingly difficult. I have left some money for the both you, please take care of your health. 

Don’t be sad, because life goes round, and one day we will meet again. I’m sorry to have taken the easy way out. You wanted me to become someone useful but I’m here stuck in a job for years and not wanting to move because of so many reasons. 

I’m sorry to let everyone down, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I think it’s finally time to do it. I would like Eileen Gwee to have 1/3 of my fortunes, with the rest going to my parents. Eileen, I’m sorry that our last memory is of you being disappointed in me. I’ll try to be a better person in the next life. I’m sorry to have taken the easy way out, it’s so hard. We are not married yet, but I love you more than anyone I’ve been with. I don’t know if you’d ever believe that but it’s true. I’m sorry our wedding couldn’t work out but you can find a better person to be with, someone who doesn’t disappoint you that much. I’m sorry. I really am. Please burn my belongings, including my laptop and things in the safe. I’m sorry I fucked up and I don’t have a lot left for you. I’m sorry. 

I wrote this suicide note on Nov 2019 and thoughts of suicide have resurfaced countless times since. The average lifespan of a person now is about 80 years. I'm only 33, but I have a sense of dread thinking about living on for another 50 years. I thought that I've committed myself to dying, but now I've committed myself to live. My remaining years would be dreadful though, for I know that I'd only truly be free once I have taken my last breath. I don't want to live the rest of my life wishing to end it, but it is what it is currently. I asked the fiancee, how would she feel if I signed a dnr. She said she'd be angry knowing that I don't even want to fight, even though I said that it'd be what I really want. She replied saying that it'd be the most selfish decision I'd make. Nat asked me why am I thinking about death when I'm about to marry E, would I be marrying her to make her a widow? 

No I do not want that, but that means I have to keep on living. 

I wish that death would take me, through.

I drive fast

And imagine what would it be like to ram into the walls

I think about getting sleeping pills and downing 2 bottles

Cos it’ll be painless

I want to embrace death

But so many things holding me back

I tried weed, that didn’t help

I tried drinking, still sober after half a bottle

I tried smoking, what a waste of money

So laughable

I laugh at life because death wouldn’t take me

I laugh every night, because I’m still living